Matt Lauer, NBC Today Show’s germophobe host, just returned from his 10th annual “Where in the world is Matt Lauer?” week of globetrotting. Every day for a week, he anchored live from some exotic surprise locale.
This year, Matt went from New York to Namibia, Africa, then to Madrid, on to Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia, then halfway across the world to the Swiss Alps, then across the Pacific to Barbados. There he met the Food Network Star Chef Giada De Laurentis, who is pleasant but disturbingly thin for a foodie. Her skinniness must be the cause of the root word for her name, Giardia, which the CDC defines as “Giardia (also known as Giardia intestinalis, Giardia lamblia, or Giardia duodenalis) is found on surfaces or in soil, food, or water that has been contaminated with feces (poop) from infected humans or animals.” (Imagine, the word “poop” actually shows up on the CDC website!)
I like this week on the Today Show because I have always loved to travel, and the affable Lauer makes it look simple and fun.
In the midst of the worst economic conditions since the Great Depression, however, this is in bad taste. The Today Show should be setting an example on budget travel, not flying Matt and his crew all over the world (wasting air plane fuel) in the private NBC jet.
So here’s my proposal on how to save NBC, oh, approximately $20 million a year.
Hire me!
Matt Lauer makes $17 million A YEAR. He’s got to go, too expensive for the times. Put in Lester Holt, whom I adore. He supposedly makes about $1.5 million. I bet he’d be glad to do it for no raise, just to get off the grind of the weekend MORNING Today Show and the weekend EVENING news. Poor guy, hasn’t had a decent weekend’s sleep in years. And when’s he going to go to church, if he so chooses?
Then replace Ann Curry with ME! Ann supposedly makes $2 million a year, maybe more. I’d be happy with 1 percent of Matt’s salary, $170,000. But New York is an expensive place to live, so I’m going to ask for $200,000, or 10% of Ann’s.
So far, Lester and I will have saved NBC $17,300,000. Not including the travel and wardrobe budget (I’m going to shop cheaper than Ann, I can guarantee you.)
Then, we are going to do “Where in the World is Laura Zahn?” but we are going to do it on Southwest Airline’s $59 one-way fare sale.
As might be expected, cutting the budget is not without some necessary modifications to the usual Lauer stint (which, by the way, Matt has ended after 10 years...I’m sure because of the cost, though he hasn’t said that).
First, we are going to have call it, “Where in the U.S. is Laura Zahn?” because Southwest, nice as they are, can’t get me overseas for $59.
This is fine, actually, and what NBC SHOULD be doing because we need economic stimulus AT HOME. We could stay in local B&Bs and eat at local cafés and still save a boatload of money for the network, stimulating the local economies first. Jobs for Americans.
Secondly, I can’t quite get to five places and back to New York for $59 per leg, at least not in the research I did. So the last leg is going to cost more -- $89 – and it’s going to get me to Newark. So NBC is going to have to call up subway fare to get me and crew home.
Thirdly, I can’t do it in a week. Most of these fares are available on Tuesdays and Thursdays, maybe Fridays. So it’s actually going to take four or five WEEKS. No sweat, though, we’re still saving big bucks! And Lester can hold down the fort without me.
These are tough times. We are going to have to suck it up and make some sacrifices.
Where can Laura go for $59 from New York flying Southwest’s sale deal?
First stop: Baltimore, Maryland.
Not bad. You also have to know something about Laura Zahn that Matt Lauer probably doesn’t share: I love little off-beat attractions. So we’re not profiling the usual tourist traps. No way.
So in Baltimore, we’re going to visit National Great Blacks in Wax Museum. I have never been to a wax museum, and this one has an exhibit that all Americans should see on the Middle Passage – the slave trade where 3 million captives of the 15 million stolen did not survive the trip. (Note that the Caribbean…BARBADOS, Matt…participated in this, which would have been more educational than seeing Giardia paddleboarding in a little swimsuit.)
Week 2 - From Baltimore we are going to…wait for it…Greenville/Spartanburg! North Carolina!
Yea! Here we are going to visit the BMW plant for $7 tours. Didn’t know they were made in the USA, did you? Then we are going to explore the incredible hiking and river kayaking North Carolina has to offer.
Week 3 – Birmingham, Alabama! Of course, we’re going to do the Freedom Land civil rights tour, including the 16th Street Baptist Church where four little girls died in 1963 when the KKK bombed their church. Important stuff.
On a lighter note, we are also going to stop at the Peanut Depot, which has historic peanut roasters used for 100 years, and the Ave Maria Grotto, where a Benedictine Monk worked for 50 years using concrete, bricks, “marbles, tile, pipe, shells and coconuts, to craft…reproductions of the major religious sites and famous buildings around the world,” the visitors bureau website said. Now that is something to see.
Week 4 – St. Louis! Yes! My sister lives here, so we’re going to save a bundle by bunking with her in her condo. She’s a good cook, too. Retired now so lots of time to feed me and crew.
We will go out for Ted Drewes custard, however. And we will be filming at Crown Candy Kitchen (candy AND ice cream AND sandwiches!) in Old North St. Louis and having something wonderful to eat in the Italian Hill District, probably a sandwich at Amighettis (whole one runs $7.89).
Then we are off to the St. Louis Zoo, where the naked mole rat display is one of the best zoo displays anywhere. I know, because I dragged my kids to zoos in Denver, Seattle, Washington, D.C. and more, and this exhibit was among the most fascinating. It held our attention for a long, long time. The little critters are fascinating, alone, and then they have tubes to run through. And the Zoo admission is FREE (are you listening, NBC)?
#5 – NEWARK. I’m exhausted. But we’re almost done.
We might see a concert at the Prudential Center. Or attend the symphony. Mostly we are going to spend time in the Ironbound District along Ferry Street. The website lists more than 30 Portuguese restaurants, as well as a long list of other ethnic restaurants, and about a dozen bakeries!
I’ve never eaten at a Portuguese restaurant, and it’s about time. I’m betting we can find a nice chef who will do as well or better than Giardia in cooking live, minus the gratuitous swimsuit shot. (Come on! Matt didn’t invite Paula Deen to Barbados…)
So there you go. We took a little more time, but we stimulated the American economy, learned a lot and had some fun – all on a budget. Matt can enjoy a comfortable retirement, as can Ann, and Lester and I clearly are the wave of the future.
30 Rock, I await your call.
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